Hi! How has the New Year started for you? I have not blogged since Christmas (hitting my hand now…naughty me). So I thought I’d fill you all in on where I have been and what I have been up to before I bring forth a whole lot of blog post drafts that I have been writing, but not publishing and which have been hiding out in my ‘notes’ folder on my Mac.
I wasn’t ready for Christmas. When it arrived, I still wasn’t ready mentally, to acknowledge that it was here already. After it passed, I STILL hadn’t accepted it had come and gone. You see, all of a sudden, at the age of 43, I woke up and realised that there is SO much I want to do. SO much that I love to do and learn and share with people. At the same time, life sped up and time disappeared. The busy-ness of life with young children, working, a house to care for, interests to nurture, a body, spirit, mind and soul to tend to…I realised I couldn’t fit it all in. I had been trying to, but going to bed at 1am every morning and then getting up at 7am was taking it’s toll. I was kind of operating through life in a time warp, not quite up to speed with everyone else. I knew for the New Year, things had to change.
Just prior to Christmas, old family crapola resurfaced again. As it quite often does in families around this time of year. Particularly when there is unfinished business and unresolved issues and hurts left festering. It thoroughly drained me. If something can pull you off your course and stifle creativity and forward momentum, getting stuck in old emotional family dynamics stuff will do it! If you let it that is. But that is another whole blog post in and of itself. I had been reading ‘The War of Art’, by Stephen Pressfield. I ordered a copy because I knew I had a few self sabotage things going on with my art and I wanted to get a handle on what it/they were, as well as to unravel the mystery behind the evolution and fluctuating patterns of my creativity and My Miss Muse that drives it. An enormously enlightening and empowering book, The War of Art, highlighted to me the notion of resistance and how it is the primary driving force behind self sabotage in achieving the creative life or business that you desire. In fact, one of the aspects of resistance is that we can ‘unknowingly’, subconsciously, manufacture it ourselves to stop our forward momentum. I read this and applied it to the possibility that I played out some part in rehashing my pre-Christmas family drama. Could I have ‘created’ a diversion with the deeply paralysing pain of disconnected family relationships? My rational mind says, no. ‘You didn’t initiated all the drama that was playing out’. I tumbled this around in my mind for a while. But what was I responsible for? I acknowledged that on some level, I took an action that I intended to help heal the unresolved issues. In my mind, I was offering a kind of olive branch to reconnect. However, what happened in response was outside of my control. The rejection that was thrust at me, knocked me for six and spiralled me into a deep but familiar pain of abandonment. Real or imagined, my ego mind feasted on the pain and added all kinds of assumptions and fixed belief’s and gave it labels and meaning that created me more pain. I shrivelled. I abandoned my goals temporarily. I licked my wounds and opted out of life for a bit. Gentle nudges from my husband reminded me of what I did have; of our beautiful family that was relying on me to get my shiz together, regroup and move on. I HAD to choose my thoughts, the quality of them and not be at the mercy of my associated beliefs and emotion around them. I allowed my hope to refuel and nurture my vision for myself and my art and what I desire to share with others to enrich their lives also.
I need to pick up ‘The War of Art’ again and reread it, to get a better grasp on what our ego’s can do to trip us up and how to get faster than it and few steps ahead, so I can stick to a smoother path in my creative journey and goals.
So that’s my excuse. I tumbled off the blog grid for a while and gained some more personal insights on my life, healthier boundaries (yet another post) and the people that surround me. It gave me a bit more grit to inspire my art and you will likely see some of these messages in my paintings over the coming year.
In addition to all of ‘THAT’, I have also been studying and working in my Occupational Therapy practice by day, helping people to heal and become more excited and inspired in their lives.
Also, on top of all that, I have been building my new website with the help of the very lovely Michele Bergh over at Be Inspired Design. I am really excited (and nervous) about it and would love any feedback you might like to give in the comments.
I will be formally ‘unveiling’ it over on my Facebook page, shortly.
I have LOTS* and LOTS* of great things to share with you over the coming year. I truly hope for this website to become a little tribal community where you and your friends can feel they can hang out, absorb, share and inspire one another, about life and dreams.
My next few posts will be about lots of substance, not least of which will include topics such as domestic violence, body acceptance and personal growthy stuff. I will also aim to create my very first Newsletter and start circulating it. Feel free to subscribe. I would love that.
Look forward to connecting with you all soon.
If you have any questions or thoughts or would just like to say hello, you can leave a comment under this post or via the contact tab.
Lots of love,
X Tanya
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